It was split decision night for the most important election of our lifetime, and while all sides declared victory democrats walked away with the House as their participation trophy.
Continue Reading Below
Chief raisin farmer Nancy Pelosi used her boney elbows to shove fellow greybeards Steny Hoyer and James Clyburn out of the way to make a pre-emptive victory speech like a spinster desperately reaching for the tossed bouquet at her 900th wedding.
You could smell the chardonnary through the screen as Nancy ticked off a dirty laundry list of those to thank and future tasks, she even gave a shout out to sickness as she clumsily hyped "let's hear it for pre-existing conditions! Throw your hands in the air for cancer and diabeetuss!"
So now that Democrats have won back the lower chamber, who on earth should lead them? Several junior house hopefuls and a smattering of Democratic Socialists have made nullifying Nancy their campaign centerpieces, and either they represent the greater, lurking, party-wide resentment, or they're going to have to eat crow from Nancy's cauldron.
Newbies have tried to keep the dear leader at arm's length, but if she once again wins the gavel she'll rip off those arms and beat those poor commies to death. Or she'll have to brush up on her attachment parenting skills as she gives the newly entitled a good suckle in the house nursing room.
Even the President chimed in saying Nancy deserves it, she *deserves* to be speaker again. He's not being contrite or chivalrous, he knows she is so widely despised in both parties when things go south like a brakeless handcart to hell she'll be the easiest to beat in pin the blame on the donkey.
If Democrats *really* want a shot at narrowing the party chasm and winning the presidency in 2020, they'd best come up with a short and serious Nancy-free speaker list. Otherwise they're going to be stuck with a terminal pre-existing condition, and there's no cure for Nancyitis.