I'm still shaking my head over the 38 minutes of terror caused by Saturday's false missile warning in Hawaii. At 8:07 a.m. local time, all cell phones alerted, "Emergency alert: ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii, seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill."
Well that will drain some lava from your volcano! Residents panicked, children were thrown into storm drains, tourists emptied beaches and vowed to only ever go to Orlando.
This was obviously a huge failure of state government that added up to a big, Rick Perry-sized "oops!"
Hawaii's governor blamed it on a mistake during a standard procedure, yet there was no standard procedure to call the pig back to the luau for 38 minutes.
Maybe there really was a missile headed to Hawaii, maybe the real "whoopsie" is it was ours and not one of theirs. Maybe this was a ridiculous and cruel test to see how people would react knowing their lives were about to be cut short by a stubby psychopath with a bad haircut. Whatever the case, you can always judge a calamity not by the act itself, but by the reaction.
Emotionally charged actors took to the digital stage and began furiously blaming the president. Jamie Lee Curtis, in between spoonfuls of colon-soothing Activia, tweeted:
"This Hawaii missile scare is on you Mr. Trump. The real fear that mothers & fathers & children felt is on you. It is on your arrogance. Hubris. Narcissism. Rage. Ego. Immaturity and your unstable idiocy. Shame on your hate filled self. You did this!"
But what of strategic patience and the years of fissile hoarding and missile building? That doesn't fit into a hysterical narrative. The once funny Jim Carrey made it all about Jim Carrey.
"I woke up this morning in Hawaii with ten minutes to live. It was a false alarm, but a real psychic warning. If we allow this one-man Gomorrah and his corrupt republican congress to continue alienating the world we are headed for suffering beyond all imagination."
Where'd you learn that insightful diplomacy Lloyd Christmas, from your washed up bubble?
The point is, government ineptitude is nothing new, and it's time to let go of the sagging notion that the state can keep you safe or informed.