My wife and I recently had visitors … from another planet. They said they were from North Carolina, but I knew better. One of them claimed to be an old friend. She looked and sounded just like the woman I knew, but her body had clearly been taken over by an alien from Planet Selfie.
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Everywhere we went, we had to stop in the middle of whatever we were doing to take selfies. Wine tasting. Hiking. Playing with the dogs. Going out to dinner. Eating dinner. Late at night, they had this other-worldly ritual they called shag dancing to beach music. It was truly horrifying to watch.
My alien friend’s daughter is a millennial. Millennials were the first to go. Kim Kardashian. Khloe Kardashian. Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus. But the creatures didn’t stop there. They got Tyra Banks and Tom Hanks, too. They’ve even taken over heads of state like India prime minister Narendra Modi, who literally takes selfies with everyone.
There’s a good chance that our next president has already been subjugated. Hillary Clinton seems absolutely enthralled with the act at campaign events. If you catch a picture of her taking a selfie of herself taking a selfie, that’s a sure sign. Keep an eye out.
The alien invasion seems to have left some world leaders completely void of any sense of decency and decorum. Denmark prime minister Helle Thorning actually took a selfie with Barack Obama and then British prime minister David Cameron – all smiles while attending Nelson Mandela’s memorial, no less.
A recent study shows a link between compulsive male selfie-takers and psychopathy, narcissism and self-objectification. That would explain Anthony Weiner’s behavior. The former congressman was caught in another sexting scandal this week, prompting his wife to leave. You’ve got to wonder how she remained human while married to him and working for Clinton. She must have some sort of immunity.
Most concerning, the aliens appear to be going after our children, as well. A Florida student recently took a selfie sporting an enormous grin while, in the background, his grimacing teacher is having contractions and possibly going into labor. Of course, he posted it on Twitter. The Twitterati are all selfie-obsessed aliens.
The more bodies they inhabit, the more emboldened the creatures seem to become. They’ve flooded the planet with a potent weapon they call selfie sticks. I’m pretty sure that’s how they subdue humans so they can enter our bodies.
Selfie with my teacher while she having contractions 😄 pic.twitter.com/EuOf7vTxlc— Ghost . (@SpideyNikka) October 15, 2013
While we have no idea where the aliens come from and what they actually look like, my guess is that they’re from a world akin to prehistoric Earth and resemble dinosaurs. Clearly the latest selfie craze, T. Rex hands (invented by Instagram alien Huda Kattan) is a crude, initial attempt at morphing human hosts into their native form.
In time, I suspect that the human race will evolve one short arm (for the T. Rex hand) and one elongated arm (for selfie taking). Also our faces will probably begin to take on selfie-compatible features such as duck face, fish gape, sparrow face, side eye or smizing, which are obviously related to extraterrestrial mating rituals.
Look, I don’t want to create any hysteria, but the sooner we understand the extraterrestrials’ invasion strategy and tactics, the better. In addition to those who are young and impressionable, their primary targets appear to be socialites, celebrities and politicians. They must find it easier to inhabit weak-minded individuals.
If you’re concerned that someone close to you may be affected, of course, the big tell is compulsive selfie-taking, but there are other clues I’ve noticed.
If they spend much of their time streaming movies, music and videos and binging on TV programs, that could be an early sign. If they are obsessed with the show BrainDead, can’t stop listening to “You Might Think” by The Cars, and love cherry blossoms and vegetable smoothies, do not let them in the house. And look out for selfie sticks.