Kennedy: Millennials should be concerned about poverty or war, not breaking their phone screens

You know I'm a fan of good old fashioned generational warfare, because as a Gen X'er I'm sandwiched in between some doozies. Boomers gave birth to millennials, and when an army of AOC's are running things we're all screwed.

A new study by OnePoll for a CBD company called Endoca shows if millennials were left to their own devices in a dystopian societal meltdown, they would quickly die and get eaten by cockroaches and jackal packs.

If you think back to your grandparents a lot of them made a treacherous journey from far away and didn't know if they'd survive the boat or die from gout by 40, but they had real problems to contend with like fighting racism and classism to get a basic job to scrape by. They had to make sure their children weren't starving beggars, and they were one generation removed from famine and essential serfdom. They had it rough, but they also had perspective.

Do you know what the number one cause of millennial stress is on this poll? Losing their wallet or credit card. That's what keeps these cream puffs up at night, and these whiners claim they have a hard time falling asleep three nights a week. Twenty percent of the wallet worryworts also say their other biggest worry, not poverty or loss of faculties or war, is having their phone screen break.

I have a personal rule: I cannot be friends with you unless I know you can survive in the wild, and having seen riots and earthquakes and how quickly things turn from candy to catastrophe you may have to get around without your dumb phone when some bad actor decides to nuke our electrical grid.

Gen x'ers often got lost in the shadow of our me generation predecessors because *they* were so self transfixed, and in the Reagan era of nuclear holocaust we were convinced we were all going to die with a good degree of certainty. Did we wallow in self pity? Kinda! But that wallowing birthed a musical paradigm shift that encompassed Nirvana and Dinosaur Junior and Sebadoh. Millennials have Justin Bieber and G Eazy. God I pity them.


Number 6 on the stressed list? Slow WiFi. Number 10? Forgetting their phone charger. We either need them to abdicate their societal responsibilities or hasten the robot takeover so they can have their baby lotion soft motherboards swapped out for working parts.