Remember those commercials, “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?” How about a series of ads on the effects of chronic social media use? Maybe an hour or two a day on YouTube (NASDAQ:GOOGL) and Facebook (NASDAQ:FB) doesn’t make you stupid but I’d be surprised if it didn’t take at least 10 or 20 points off your IQ, know what I’m saying?
But then, technology isn’t really the problem here. We are. The Web and the gadgets we use to access it are smart. So are social networks. It’s the way we use them that’s dumb. That’s right folks. After much research I’ve concluded that, when it comes to social media, you’re just not doing it right.
Here are some helpful suggestions on how you can improve your social media presence. And since we’ve all got to sit here and watch those train wrecks you call Facebook and Twitter (NYSE:TWTR) pages, frankly, you’ll be doing us all a favor.
Half your content is unintelligible gibberish. Half the stuff I come across online is barely readable. A nine-year-old could do better. Meanwhile a Pew Research poll says you all think communication is the most important skill for success, more important than reading, math, logic and science. Look, it’s one or the other, folks.
Focus on high-quality nonsense. A recent Infographic says we view more than a billion YouTube videos, send 250 million Tweets, and post 800 million Facebook updates every day. Clearly you’re all going for quantity, not quality. You need to take your time with those Tweets, folks. Think. Focus. And no multitasking! Remember, less is more.
Think you’re smarter than hamsters and lab rats? Prove it. We’ll do anything for Facebook friends, Twitter followers and LinkedIn (NYSE:LNKD) connections for no apparent reason. We sit for hours with our eyes glued to a screen while our limbic systems reward us with Dopamine. That’s right, just like hamsters running on a wheel and lab rats in a behavioral conditioning experiment.
Your personal brand is sooo boooring. I’ve been reading Twitter handles and Facebook profiles for a while now and, well, your personal brands mostly suck. Look, if I don’t tell you, who will? So you’re a father and a husband. You love lattes and hate the cold. You know what a hashtag is. How original. No wonder nobody follows you around the hamster wheel. And by the way, nobody cares if your opinions are your own or not.
Post more about your kids, your pets and your wonderful life. Come on, just one more picture of your amazingly wonderful kids playing in the snow or at Disneyland. How about one with the dog and cat sleeping together? Or you and your wife on that fabulous cruise. Come on, I can’t get enough. Oh please oh please oh please.
Throw more temper tantrums. You know all the online anger, hatred, and vitriol everyone’s so upset about? They’ve got it all wrong. Modern life is stressful. I mean, where’s the harm in acting out on virtual avatars? Besides, I hear trolling and abusing famous people on Twitter is a great way to improve your self-esteem. Nah, JK.
Make Facebook the #1 cause of obesity. A recent report says big box stores like Walmart -- the wide availability of cheap food in bulk -- cause obesity. I’m not buying it. Considering we sit on our fat butts like virtual vegetables five hours a day, how come the Web isn’t the #1 cause of our expanding bellies? You’re just not working hard enough at being lazy slugs, folks. Get to it. I want to see six hours a day by 2016.
Spy on your partners more. The divorce rate had been steadily declining for decades. Not that we don’t cheat more; we’re just better at not getting caught. But the curve recently flattened out and began ticking upward, probably because half of all social network users have reported using it to spy on their partners. Catch those creeps!
Need. More. Selfies. Come on now, President Obama and Anthony Weiner have done more selfies than you. You should be ashamed of yourself. While you’re at it, don’t forget to quote yourself on all your profile pages. Nah, that’s not cheesy or narcissistic. No way.
Well, got to go post this all over hashtag heaven now. So long and thanks for all those shares, retweets and follows.