Here's the scenario. You have an underperforming employee. You counsel her. She acknowledges her shortcomings and commits to change. Nothing, or not enough, happens.

You counsel again. And again. Until finally, you decide to part ways.

If this hasn't happened to you yet, you haven't been in a leadership position long enough. Failure to get employees to change is one of the most common complaints managers have.

Several years ago, after a particularly frustrating employee incident, I asked a colleague a pointed question: Why don't people change even when they say they will? This particular colleague is also an accomplished leadership coach and psychologist. He knows a thing or two about behavioral change.

He introduced the concept to me of "competing commitments," a theory explained in this article from the Harvard Business Review, "Real Reason People Won't Change." The idea is that underneath someone's commitment to you to change, she has an underlying, even stronger commitment to something else. For example, someone who says outwardly that she wants a promotion avoids the tougher assignments required because she's fearful of not measuring up. Often the person isn't even fully conscious of this competing commitment; therefore, it's up to the leader to help her figure it out so it can be addressed. Only then will the desired change occur.

This is helpful to understand when your frustration level as a manager rises. But what happens when the someone who fails to change is you?

I come back to this competing commitment concept often, both in regard to managing others and to managing myself. After all, the same principle applies. Almost all of us have some personal change we'd like to make, yet we just don't follow though--healthier lifestyle, anyone? More focus on networking? Time management?

Recently, I read Marcus Buckingham's new book for women, Find Your Strongest Life, and these concepts just slammed into each other. (This book is a must-read for working mothers. It has good points for anyone, but he really targets this group.)

Buckingham cites significant research that women's happiness levels are going down, both as a generation and over the course of individual lives. In other words, we start off less happy than we used to be, and it only goes downhill from there. He gives a lot of reasons for it, including the fact that the myriad of options women have these days takes a toll. We have higher expectations of ourselves and plenty of room for second-guessing.

As with Buckingham's previous research, this book posits that we find more happiness when we play to our strengths. Instead of trying to do everything, we focus on what makes us feel stronger. Rather than perfect balance, we should strive for strategic imbalance.

Buckingham interviews many women who cite changes they know they need to make in their lives. The stories are powerful. For so many women, something's got to give. Yet, women seem stuck. They tell powerful stories of why they resist change even when they believe it will make them happier and more successful. Seems like an awful lot of competing commitments flying around. And as I mentioned earlier, if the competing commitments aren't unearthed and addressed head-on, change is unlikely to occur.

It's my belief that women entrepreneurs often suffer from this dilemma. We have many options, which can be paralyzing. We strive so hard for balance, and it stresses us out with its fleeting attainability. We say we want growth, yet we fear risking what we have. We are strategic, so we recognize the change that should happen, and then we're extra hard on ourselves when we fail to achieve it. And we often suffer from a predisposition to take on more than we should, stripping the joy from the activities we used to love.

If you want to change yourself or help someone else change, you need to know what your competing commitment is. Try reflecting on these questions to start:

1. What change do you know you need to make?
2. What gives you energy? What zaps you of it?
3. What positive reinforcement (either external or internal) do you get from maintaining the status quo?
4. What's the price of the status quo?
5.  If you already knew this change would work out well for you, what one step would you take today?
   
6. If not now, when?

Going back to my column "Grant Employees Permission to Think," people need to figure out and embrace change for themselves, and do it on their own terms. Determining the answers to these questions can help you figure out why you are really resisting change, and what it will take to get you moving forward.

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