Having just returned from a coaching conference called Conversation Among Masters [CAM] last weekend, one of the things that has stuck with me is regardless of how different professional coaches are in personality and approach, there is one useful and powerful – some might argue, annoying -- habit we all share: calling on others to be accountable. Nearly all the time.

A casual breakfast conversation between two participants at our conference might go something like this:

Susie: What’s new with you?

John: A lot, actually. I’ve spread myself pretty thin among three projects and it feels like they all need my undivided attention now. The growth is exciting.

Susie: So what is your plan for moving forward?

John: Well, things seem to be progressing nicely.

Susie: Yes, but what action steps can you take when you leave here to make sure you’re not spread so thinly and that still put your projects on a path for growth?

John: Uh, do you mind if I have a few sips of coffee before undertaking that answer?

John might not be ready for Accountability 101 at breakfast, but rest assured by dinner he’ll realize this is a question he’s asked of his clients over and over and one he should be wrestling with himself as his business grows. That this exchange took place in casual conversation as opposed to in the context of a coaching session makes it notable.

So often in pop culture we hear jokes about how people don’t need life coaches if they have friends, but truly, how many friends would take a conversation to that accountability place so quickly? Would we even want them to? Certainly to an extent I’d want my friends to chart my progress on something meaningful I’m doing, but that kind of question at breakfast might send me reeling. Sometimes with our friends we want to just be.

I’ve recently had several inquiries from friends who have thought about hiring me as a coach. I simply can’t do it, pretty much for the selfish reason that the coaching relationship would completely shift our existing dynamic and I would lose a valued resource of support. If, for example, I wanted to reach out to a friend-turned-client for advice, suddenly it doesn’t work because if that person reaches out to me now, they get a bill. See how that works?

Perhaps that’s why coaches immersed in each other’s company for four full days of conversations big and small feels so darned good. We get each other in a way most do not. Sometimes the solution-oriented approach is welcome. We read that. Sometimes it’s the last thing we need and we just want someone to listen. We read that, too. We’re trained in both.

I’d venture to say the good ones among us don’t constantly spout coach-speak, but do live in a space of wanting to shepherd others along and are passionate about it. It occurs to me, though, that sometimes people who aren’t coaches might want to keep each other a little more accountable in friendships or spousal relationships but aren’t sure how. Here are some suggestions:

~ Ask your friend or partner if they’re open to some delving in when they tell you about a new venture or goal. In coaching, we call that “permission.”

~ Once she’s revealed her plan, ask intelligent questions that help you understand her path and listen carefully to the answers.

~ Again, making sure there is established permission, inquire about the goal in detail in subsequent conversations. While a lot of friends already do this, what I’m talking about is a bit more focused and borderline invasive. It pushes the envelope and makes the friend feel accountable.

You can see there is great potential for overstepping and damaging the dynamic of a relationship there, but if negotiated properly it can deepen and strengthen a bond instead. Coaches are well-trained in this and of course typically don’t have a friendship at stake when they persistently, relentlessly keep folks on track.

The desired result is a person who marches more purposefully toward a goal because he is going to be “reporting in.” It’s a terrific impetus, even when the occasional embarrassment seeps in because he hasn’t made strides in a few weeks or longer.

Bottom line, the ideal scenario is to have a professional keep you accountable. But that doesn’t mean two friends or partners can’t provide an extra layer of support when an occasion warrants it.

Just try not to be annoying.